It all happened one magical Sunday evening. It was my sophomore year of college and I had returned from a weekend in Columbus to the two bedroom apartment that Jen and I shared. Her best friend from home, Andy, had spent the weekend with her and his friend, Allison, had come along- she stayed with other friends in Pittsburgh. As soon as I got back they were all leaving to go to the Indian buffet at a local restaurant but seeing as I just ate with my family, I declined to go with them. An hour or so later, I was sitting on the couch mindless doing homework when Allison comes busting into the front door, she gives me a nervous and yet-somehow indescribable look as she runs past me in the living room and makes a mad dash to the bathroom. Not being a stranger to weird happenings, I went back to my homework. A few minutes later, Jen and Andy walked in the front door. I gave Jen the, "WTF" face and she shrugged. So for the next HOUR we all chitchatted and watched trashy T.V. --all the while Allison remained in the bathroom. Andy made several attempts to see if she needed anything and after several declines, she asked for her book bag filled with all of her over night stuff. Another 15-20 minutes went by when all of us started to worry. ( I wasn't worried. I have no heart, I just wanted these strangers out of my apartment).
FINALLY this girl comes out of the bathroom in a completely different outfit. She says to Jen, "Girl, I need to tell you something" Jen- not noticing the obvious hint that this was a PRIVATE matter said,
"What is it?"
(After some thought, Jen knew better-she just didn't care for this girl at all)
The air was filled with tension and a certain odor...after a few seconds (WHICH SEEMED LIKE YEARS) she uttered,
"I shit my pants. And when I took my pants off it got all over the rug. I tried to wash it in the bathtub with some shampoo but I don't think I got it all out. I'm sorry. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
We all stared at her in disbelief. I mean- did this girl really just poop her pants and then get it all over my bathroom like a fucking two year old? Jen somehow managed to say that it was alright and that we'd take care of it. (Later- Jen couldn't believe that I just sat there and stared at the girl. But FUCK- I didn't know her and I sure as hell don't like people that get fecal matter on my personal things).
Awkward goodbyes were given and they were gone.
After making sure they had left the apartment building, we both SCREAMED in disbelief and ran to the bathroom. Sure enough our rug was still sopping wet in our tub and half the bottle of my shampoo was gone. We also came to find that she had used TWO WHOLE ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER. Not only did she try and "clean things up" with this toilet paper but she thought just throwing them in the trashcan would somehow suffice and was sanitary?!!?!? So, not only do we have a poopy rug in the shower but there are huge wads of T.P. covered in feces in our trashcan. I grab a trash bag and some plastic gloves. I roll up the rug and throw it in the bag. We both march down to the dumpster outside all while laughing at this absurd incident and I chuck the rug in the trash.
We decide that we MUST call Mary to tell her all that has happened and she rushes over. We fill her in on the details throughout laughing fits and we all declare that this can now be put on our,
THISWOULDONLYHAPPENTOUS list. After still discussing the matter for a while, Mary informs us that she must brave bathroom. Mary does her business and then we hear screaming. We run to her aid as she flings the door open and is screaming, "I SWEAR I ONLY PEED, I ONLY PEED!" We find the the toilet is now frantically overflowing with SHIT FILLED WATER. It was GUSHING onto the floor and it seemed like it would never stop. I grabbed the plunger and went to town. FINALLY it ceased puking up Allison's digested Indian food and Jen, Mary and I were left with an even dirtier bathroom than before. The perfect ending to a shit disaster.
So- thanks, Allison, a girl that I will never meet again in my hopefully long life. A girl that shit her pants, got it on my bathroom rug and then left us another surprise after leaving the city boundaries of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I hope you somehow come across this blog and once again feel the mortification you probably felt that one magical yet very poopy Sunday evening. :)
